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Gratitude for Dr. Ayahuasca

6/30/2013

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     After reading the previous two posts, you may be wondering why I was driven to share them, aside from the shear adventure or strangeness of the experience.  The reasons are these:  for me, what I had to combat and eventually relinquish was my desire for control. This theme was prevalent both nights.  The compulsion to control or to appear (externally and also to myself) competent, injected fear and shame into my experience.  It needed to happen.  I needed to be shown that.  The message (which I've heard before as trite statements) was not an intellectual concept in the Amazon, but a very real and visceral event.  It's been life changing.  

     Yet, during those moments of terror, disgust and embarrassment, I was able to detach enough to see them and how I was reacting.  A small aside, but during the mountainous part of the 2012 Peruvian journey, I was having dinner with a couple of men I had developed a camaraderie with.  We were like old sailors together--I have a piratical side.  These guys had also been in the Amazon, but we hadn't spent much time together during that phase.  They told how one night (the 3rd night) in the jungle, a woman in the cabin next door sounded like she was REALLY having a good time.  For like, hours!  They wondered who she was and who her partner was.  I realized right then, that woman was me.  It had never registered who was in the cabin next to ours--I was so involved in my own stuff.  When I told them that was me and that Dr. Ayahuasca was my partner, their jaws dropped.  I shared the whole tale with them.  We had lots of laughs.  Did I mention how wonderful my Four Winds family is? 

     The ability to detach or not get caught in all the stories and blah-blah we tell ourselves during strong or overwhelming circumstances, is a powerful tool.  I have since been developing this ability more purposefully.  It's a defense, like a warrior putting on armor, but not inflexible or fear-based.  You promise to be present and flexible, whatever happens.  It's useful in emergencies; necessary in Shamanic sessions, and very helpful for writers.  To be able to imagine, to put oneself into another character and their experience (internal and external) is a baseline for good writing.  However, that's impossible without first being firmly inside one's own body (physical and energetic) -- no matter the situation, instead of being distracted by emotional drama and rationalizations.  Once you've got that -- go forth and have more experiences!  You'll be glad you did ;)

     On that third night, after I gave myself or surrendered to Dr. Ayahuasca, together we reached a deeper level.  According to Marcela, there are 9 dimensions and Shamans are the cartographers of these invisible realms.  The 3rd is the material world.  The 4th is reality as we perceive it -- complete with all our beliefs, memories, emotions, etc. telling us tales.  The 5th dimension is dreams.  The 6th is accessed during an Ayahuasca ceremony, characterized by those rainbow kaleidoscopes.  I realize now that I approached that level like a tourist--seeing what I could see, (except when I spoke to Dr. Ayahuasca).  Here, you can speak to the elements; to angels.  In the 7th dimension, you see everything in pure colors--the rainbow comes alive and you can hear new vibrations.  You will know exactly where each note in the Maestros' chant will fall and hear pure sounds.  You can also talk with guardian beings.  You can not enter the 8th dimension with any heavy thoughts or unresolved baggage.  Only the pure of heart can enter this realm where everything turns white and you can speak to enlightened beings, or your own soul.  On the 9th level is a library where we can access information about anyone.  It's characterized by fast breathing.  There are spiritual hospitals where you can do healing for anyone.  Voices come to you and you can talk to God.  This is all according to my hastily scribbled notes from 2012. 

   Clearly, it can take years and many journeys to gain the confidence, the level of faith or surrender, clearness of intention, or purity to reap more from these dimensions with Ayahuasca.  Though Marcela emphasized from our first day in the Amazon that we can dialogue with Dr. Ayahuasca, I remember thinking at the time, "what questions would I even ask?"  Generally, I was too distracted to be able to focus on questions.  Though I treasure my experiences for what they were and what they gifted me, I've got more journeys to undertake, the Doctor and I.  Meanwhile, I salute those Four Winders who are probably currently undergoing this in the Amazon now -- the expedition is an annual event -- and all those who at anytime have taken this magical brew.  It's affects still linger in subtle ways.  They've opened me up to new and more easily gained trance-like states, more productive dreaming, more direct and powerful intuition, deeper connection to my protagonist (in Convergence, see my previous blog entries about Shamanism and the mad writer) and probably lots of other things I can't know for sure or express.  How about 2014?

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Really Meet Dr. Ayahuasca -- Day 2

6/29/2013

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     Now some of you may think, after last night's mess, that I would choose not to partake in Ayahuasca the following night.  You're almost right.  For the first half of June 29th, 2012, I was saying to myself "That was enough."  I felt irritated and incompetent--like a toddler mismanaging my own excretions.  But, I also had an inkling that more work needed to be done.  There were too many distractions the previous night.  But, do I really want to go again?  Ugh.

     During the daily group sharing/lecture with Marcela, she emphasized the medicinal properties of Ayahuasca.  Not only is it important to have the courage to go through it all -- for your own growth as a medicine person but, this is a treasured opportunity to be held by Mother Earth, in such a loving group, with such gifted and open-hearted Maestros....Well, after asking my pendulum and further thought, I changed my mind.  I was still pissed.

     There were 3 Maestros who offered Ayahuasca nightly, in separate places in or around the lodge.  After hearing several ecstatic tales of Maestro Pandaro's sessions outside on the island (taking a motorized boat to/from it):  how funny/sweet/helpful he is, how wild people became as a group, the comfort of lying in the sand and crapping in the reeds, barfing in the sand...I decided NOT to go with him.  Sounded like a risky, mosquito-ridden nightmare to me--ha, probably some work to do around that!  Don't they know about the caymans and jaguars, and getting into a wobbly boat -- while tripping...?  My inner Woody Allen freaked.  So, I went with Javier, who's sessions occurred in a hut on the edge of the lodge area.  Just a walk, no big deal.

     That night, I was still agitated: nervous and annoyed.  But, I'd planned to take the barf bowl (hurray for bowls instead of noisy plastic bags!) with me when I went to the bathroom--so both ends are covered!  When I drank his brew, it tasted more bitter than Orlando's and made me burp more, as I sat waiting.  Javier's chanting was more non-stop, with fewer/shorter breaks, but it was beautiful.  For some reason, people were quieter, though there were around 20.  I sat listening to the moans, giggles and barfs, as well as the nocturnal creatures singing along with us.

     When the numbness/visions arrived, they were milder than the previous night.  I was surprised and a little disappointed.  I also needed to purge much sooner than before--I remember sitting on the toilet, holding my bowl, feeling yucky and staring at the lone candle, thinking "come on, come on."   The toilet was redolent of Ayahuasca.  After a few minutes, both directions were voided (mess free!) and I found it much easier to walk slowly back to my place on the floor.  I lay on my left side.  My next door neighbor, a very nice German who looked like a young Robert Plant -- yes, you know who you are! -- hummed softly along with Javier and occasionally laughed/moaned as if he was with a lover.  It turned me on.  The next morning when I told him he did this -- he looked at me blankly -- didn't remember.

     I had a quick, scary vision of a yellow-eyed bird with a black and white striped beak and red and black markings--coming right at me.  I felt that this was death, but after that registered, the image disappeared, to be replaced by the more benign leaves, butterflies etc. pulsing in time to the chants.

     Then Javier stopped chanting -- it seemed too early -- and began to talk and laugh with his helper.  It was clear that he was done.  I didn't like this abrupt ending.  The heavy feeling and visions cleared fairly quickly, but not the queasiness and weakness.  I remember thinking "is this it?" and "I guess this was all I needed."  Still, it took me about 10 minutes to be able to get up -- weak and shaky.  Once I started walking, I was fairly steady, the momentum seemed to carry me.  A kind lodge staff member with a flashlight led me to my cabin and I thought I was done.

    When I lay down to sleep, the trip crashed back over me with twice the intensity of any!  The sounds of the night birds were amplified and functioned like the chants of the Maestros, moving the hyper visions along to their beat.  My body was very hard to control--it never felt so hard to move.  I was in so deep that it scared me.  

     I saw images of death mixed with sex, everything was faster and more intense than before -- hard to distinguish.  I clung to thoughts like "I'm not well," "When will it end?" and "No, stop!"  I struggled and thrashed saying out loud things like "No," "Stop it," and "Help me!"  My room mate was in her bed, but didn't interfere.  I'd jolt to sitting and considered walking around, maybe even out side -- I was naked -- but I still thought of it.  Then, I'd fall back down, the visions enveloping me again.  I was very thirsty, but could barely move my arms to drink, even though I held the trusty water bottle.  There were also voices, saying things which I couldn't remember the next morning.  

     I felt utterly lost and trapped.  Would I ever come back?  All I had wanted was to sleep -- this is an ambush!  My fear and struggles increased for maybe an hour or two.  I longed to have control and to have my life back.  The more I fought, the worse it became.  I even orgasmed a couple of times -- without volition.  This scared me too.  Sex and death mixed indistinctly; pulling me, talking, touching all my cells.  

     Then a rational part of my brain remembered that I'd recently said half-jokingly what an honor it would be if a god wanted to have sex with you.  How wild!  It's in many myths, why not?  And there I was...it was happening.  Ah-ha!  I mentally said "Alright, Dr. Ayahuasca, you've got me.  Please be gentle."  


     Just like that, my fear dissolved and I settled down willingly into the visions.  They changed from the confusion kaleidoscope of sex/death into recognizable dreams.  Actual stories played out like a movie over a fizzy, rainbow background.  Frustratingly, I couldn't remember anything the next morning, except that helpful messages were spoken and that at one point, I gave a woman a small object.  But, how it felt is vivid, even a year later.  After maybe half an hour of this new level of lucidity, the trip faded.  As the last kaleidoscope fringes were leaving, I remember uttering a huge, content sigh.

     It was over.  I was so relieved.  At peace.  The sky was beginning to show dawn when I finally slept.  Later that morning, instead of feeling weak, I actually had the energy to teach a yoga class.  It felt good.  Then after breakfast, I napped.




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Meet Dr. Ayahuasca, Day One

6/28/2013

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     I went to Peru for the second time last summer.  Traveling with the Four Winds Society--the school that I've trained in Shamanism with, has always been a wonderful, adventurous, yet well-thought-out experience.  For my 2012 travels, I spent the first 5 days in the Amazon, with about 100 others.  The other 12 days, I was in the Mountains and the sacred valley of Urubamba, doing the Advanced Shamanic Initiations with 60 others.  Marcela Lobos guided both trips. 

     I've kept these stories private, but this morning -- exactly a year later -- I felt it's time to share.  Ayahuasca is a sacred herbal blend, created from jungle plants and vines.  One drinks it to go on a Shamanic journey and face one's own death.  The purpose is multifaceted:  to befriend death--transforming our most basic fears, to commune with spirit guides from other dimensions, to deal with any personal obstacles that crop up, and to purge heavy energies that need to be released.  It's not merely to empty the stomach and bowels of food.  Instead, it pulls dark or heavy energy (hucha) from the body to be expelled -- it's healing, not just voiding.  Marcela said that it also forms a relationship with Dr. Ayahuasca and encouraged us to ask questions of the plant and have a dialogue.  It's said that the medicine continues to work for months or even years after taking it.  I've found this to be true.  

   Some preliminaries:  this entry is based on my journals from that time, and isn't intended as scholarly, logistical or a how-to approach to taking Ayahuasca.  Secondly, I had these experiences with after 3 years of study with Four Winds -- I and the whole group were cared for and safe.  I would not take Ayahuasca in circumstances where I didn't feel secure, or prepared, and taking it is optional with the Four Winds.  Thirdly, this was my second visit to the Amazon and my second exposure to Ayahuasca -- I originally went with my husband in 2005.  Then I took a "mild" dose (mild and regular strength were offered) and was given a lovely, gentle trip filled with natural images and a feeling of connection with nature.  Finally, I'm making this retelling as visceral as possible.  If you are squeamish, you won't enjoy it.

     The people who learn for decades how to create their own unique blend of Ayahuasca by living alone in the jungle for months, and who hold sacred space for others to take it, don't like being called Shamans.  They prefer Ayahuascaros or Maestros (Spanish for teacher).  During the ceremony, the Ayhuascaros manage the group energy with chanting, rattling and breathing techniques (and probably other tactics/abilities that I'm unaware of).  Also, it's traditional to take Ayahuasca at night and with no illumination -- so that one's vision comes from within and not the outside world.  Participating is all about trust.

     June 28th, a year ago, I and about 20 others chose to go with Orlando (one of the 3 Maestros who were working with our large group).  It took place in the bar area, which is lined with benches and has a concrete floor.  The entire lodge had big, screened windows, so jungle noises are always present.   At about 8pm, it was dark (June is winter for Peru) and when we began, the large space was only lit by a couple of candles.  

     When it was my turn, I approached Orlando and his helper -- I wish I learned his name.  There was no "mild" offering, but if there was, I had decided I was ready for full strength.  With a smile, Orlando offered his small, wooden cup to me and I drank the dark brew without hesitation.  It's a complex taste that most people don't like -- bitterness, mixed with earthy licorice and a touch of astringent green plants.  Then I returned to my seat on the floor -- we used the long, pleather bench cushions, which made lots of rubbery sounds when you moved.  As the brew warmed my stomach, I sat placidly, holding my mesa and watching the rest of the group go up to drink their fill.  When everyone had taken it (except Orlando and his aid), he blew out the candles and began to chant.  

     I loved Orlando's voice -- a clear, melodic tenor with excellent pitch control.  Each of his songs, (which were a mixture of chants or whistling sometimes accompanied with rattling or shaking dried leaves) lasted maybe 7-10 minutes.  When he'd finish one, he'd pause, listening or seeing how we were, then he'd make sucking/blowing noise -- I guess to help move the energy, and go to another song.  It was a beautiful, intimate sharing that was filled with his care for us.  

     The first few minutes after taking Ayahuasca, it's important to try to keep it down, so that it can permeate your system, which is why I sat up.  I felt queasy off and on, but the feeling resolved by itself.  Waiting for the affects to start, the noise of others moaning, sighing and occasionally puking into their personal black garbage bags (loud and crinkly) was annoying.  Add to this the rubbery noise of scooting/shifting around on the bench cushions -- it was comical.  I was quiet, bouncing between irritation and amusement at the lumbering noises and delight at Orlando's singing.  It seemed to take much longer for me to feel the affects, which made me wonder what was wrong.

     I lay on my back, holding my mesa over my chest.  After a while, it felt like the mesa was beating like a heart.  Then I got queasy and sat up.  Nothing happened, so I put on my wind breaker on and lay on my left side (the best side for stomach issues), using my mesa as a pillow under my head.  Then it began.  

     My body and face gradually got numb and then heavy, like I had died.  The ability to move was there, but if I did, the numbness went away.  It only came on when I was still.  Kaleidoscopes and fractals began to dance before my closed eyes, moving in time to Orlando's music.  I plunged in readily (so far this was very similar to my 2005 experience), but would often get jolted out of the trip by the noise in the room.  My mind could function  normally, so it was part of the work to chose what focus on.  Surrendering my irritation was necessary.  


     The visions were like Vegas style flashing lights, in ever changing fractals and webs.  I wondered what it was -- they were often abstract patterns, but I saw the inside of a space ship (if you knew me -- not a surprise), and a blend of eyes, wings, starfish and lion fish images.  The entire image pulsed, vibrated and merged.  All along, I felt Orlando's watchful presence, and that his songs moved my journey along.  The yawning, snoring, moaning, puking sounds continued to be a large presence too, pulling me out frequently.

     I don't know how much time passed.  I was lying on my left side, very still and with a hand over my face, to blot out the noise, which had probably dissipated by then, when I heard "are you ok?"  It was Orlando's helper, seemingly at a great distance.  I didn't respond.  Then he asked again.  I realized he was talking to me and that almost everyone was gone (people can leave when they feel a sense of completion).  I answered "uh-huh," in a strange girlish voice.  The helper (who had a lit candle) asked me to sit up.  Then, Orlando blew some florida water or essential oils (I wasn't sure which) on my crown and into my open hands.  Then he pressed my hands together.  

     I saw a strong image of kaleidoscopic black wings against a red/orange flame-like background.  I later remembered that Marcela had said Orlando is a dragon and that people see it during the Ayahuasca ceremony.  Dragons are people who've mastered serpent, jaguar and eagle (South, West and East).  After he blew on me, I stayed sitting, but was sent back into that other dimension -- it felt more intense and I enjoyed it.  Then I realized that I had to pee.  

     Eventually, I slowly, shakily got up and shuffled to the bathroom -- each one had a lit candle visible under the door.  Again, my movement made the trip withdraw.  I thought the women's room was occupied, so I went in the men's and sat on a skinny, uncomfortable seat (was the seat left up?) and peed, followed by effortless diarrhea.  When I got up to flush the toilet, it was full of black liquid.  Still woozy, I shuffled back to pick up my mesa and water bottle.  It was difficult finding the door, but I very slowly crossed to it and out into the night.  It felt like it ought to have been dawn, but the half moon was up, with a sprinkle of stars.   I gradually made my way back to my cabin.  The visions were mostly gone. 

     I returned a few minutes before my room-mate -- a lovely, earthy woman from Australia who'd agreed to share.  We were both giggly and happy (she'd taken Ayahuasca elsewhere) and shared our stories briefly.  I figured that perhaps I wasn't as clean (in the candle-lit bathroom) as I'd like to be, but was tired, so kept my underwear on and went to sleep.  

     After maybe an hour, I woke up with stomach pain.  I got up and slowly felt my way in the dark room (lights go out after 10pm) to the bathroom, tracking -- where are you going to come out?  I had diarrhea, then had to feebly maneuver my head over the toilet to barf.  While I threw-up, I also filled my underwear with more shit!  In dismay and trembling, I pulled my disgusting underwear off, slowly climbed to my feet and toddled to the sink.  I rinsed them out, then took a cold shower from the waist down and crawled into bed.  The next morning I was revolted to find my crap all over the floor.  I cleaned it with a wet towel.   After apologizing for the mess to my roommate -- who was more than understanding, I asked a staff member to come and disinfect everything.  Most of the day I was weak and tired.  I napped about 2-3 hours in a hammock over looking the Rio De Madre river. 
     






     





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    Author: Allegra

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