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How Shamanic Training Birthed a Mad Writer, Part 3

3/22/2013

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     Forgive me, but I must back up just a little--to my South training in Aug., 2009 again.  When we received the archetypes into each chakra, I could see each one, in quick, potent flashes.  If I had already been drawing fairly regularly then, I would have had my work cut out for me, trying to recapture those images.  Any training with the Four Winds, is packed daily with incredibly engaging activities, so that when you are free in the evenings--you're either wiped out, or attempting to download it all, or both.  I made the mental note to attempt to draw the archetypes, later....
     So, fast forward to where I left off--after shedding Voltron from my project, some time in early 2010.  I was now writing a screenplay for an animated movie (sorry, did I leave that part out?)   I was doing drawings of characters--not so that I could animate them myself, but because I have very strong ideas about how they look.  I wanted artistic control over the final product.   Now that I was no longer tied to having to look like Voltron, many constraints vanished.  One of the best things was, I no longer had the difficult task of mastering how to draw people with very human faces, except without eyebrows.  That may sound bizarre--but, trust me, it's hard.  We're just used to eyebrows!  They complete the eye area and give a face many trademark characteristics and possibilities for expression.  So much so, that there are on-line sites that show celebrities sans eyebrows -- photoshopped -- it's very weird and funny, check it out some time.
     Though I was freed from resembling an established show, and from worries about copywrites and property rights, I still spent most of my time developing background for characters, whole peoples, and whole worlds.  This is where Sci-Fi is very cool!  I'm not pretending that I know how to do this, nor am I recommending my techniques for others to follow.  That said, for me, background is key--it shows motives, attitudes, culture, history, quirks, etc....and I couldn't write scenes without establishing that first.  After a few months, I began writing scenes with dialogue and action, but I was and am still fleshing out background.  
     As scenarios were coming together, Huascar's voice became stronger -- now it was completely different from the voice over guy who did Hazar in Voltron.  But, my Sci-Fi Huascar could in no way resemble my actual archetype -- whose image has never been lost to me.  In a small tribute to Voltron, I kept the difference between the Drule male eyes (which lack whites) and females (which are like our own).  Renaming them Darskovians, I made them nocturnal with an ancient history as hunter/gatherers with agriculture on their cold planet only supplementing their diet.  Sexual dimorphism is a little stronger in them than us and they are patriarchal.  Due to the males' role as hunter/providers, their night vision is stronger than women's and the size difference between the sexes is larger, on average than ours.  
     I started to search for my Sci-Fi version of Huascar's face--starting with the eyes.  While sketching different lines and curves of his face, I was looking for a certain feeling -- his personality needed to show.  The above drawing is what I came up with of him at age 18, when he enrolls in the military.  You can see his file picture from when he became a Field General on his Face Book page:  https://www.facebook.com/GeneralHuascar   I plan to create many more drawings of him -- keep checking FB for updates.
  

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     Time passed.  I took the rest of the Four Winds directions:  in the West we faced our own death and relinquished our energetic/genetic ties to our families for the lineage of Medicine People, in the North we began to journey to our soul's underworld and shed our karmic roles, in the East we learned the death rites, and embraced our roles as seers in the world.  After each direction, the shifts in my way of being/perceiving were huge.  My every day existence progressed towards clarity and peace, while I continued to build a powerful toolbox of techniques for healing and lasting change.
     The three of us moved to Chapel Hill, NC in November 2010 -- to our dream home in the woods, with a separate in-law cottage.  My office nook has cork board walls -- thanks to my husband, Drew.  Plot cards cover one side, and the other side has about 40 portraits of characters and costumes on it.  I took several writing courses, one for screenwriting in DC, (while we lived in VA) at the Writer's Center, and in NC at the Art Center, in Carrboro.  I'm also active in a Sci-Fi/Fantasy Writers Meet-up, through Durham Writers.  The plot grew and solidified, until it stretched into four movies.  
     On the surface, the story is about the clash between a militaristic Empire (made up of tough, but also inquisitive people) searching for a new home, and a democratic and sustainable Alliance (made of 3 different peoples, from two other worlds), who know how to protect their worlds, but are self-righteous.  It's about finding a mutual appreciation for seemingly disparate views, and healing from war and societal curses.  This joining of disparate points of view happens to Huascar, on the inside -- but first he must travel to his own underworld to shed delusions.  I've named the project Convergence.   
     I finished the four directions, then in Dec., 2011, I took my first two Masters Classes back to back, in Park City, UT.  They are called Walking with Protection and Working With the Sacred.  I brought my drawing pad.  Fairly soon into the 10 day training immersion, my archetypal Huascar spoke: "You'd better draw me."  He had not changed since I first met him during the South, and when I worked with him (to guide me through a client's underworld), sometimes he'd appear in his original form, and sometimes as my Sci-Fi protagonist.  Though he had never begrudged my using his name for this representative of himself (I had asked), he needed my focus.  He guided me to make the above drawing with ease.  When it was complete, both Huascars were honored.  During the Working With the Sacred class, I did a presentation about this joining -- giving presentations is an option that many participants take.  I showed drawings of both Huascars and told the story of the birth of Convergence, then I danced -- my embodiment of the feeling of these versions of the warrior/ruler of the underworld, have now converged.  
     This past summer, I travelled once again to Peru with the Four Winds -- we first went in 2005 in search for fertility -- how times had changed!  I again was embraced by the Amazon and took Ayahuasca -- the sacred brew to face one's own death and journey through one's issues in 4 dimensions and beyond.  I also went to the mountains, to receive the Creator Rites with Don Martine, a very powerful Shaman and guardian of Mt. Patchatuscon -- which we camped on, at 14,000 ft. for 3 days.
     This past November (apparently an important time of the year for me), another well-meaning and well-respected friend recommended that I write Convergence as books, not a screenplay -- the form of which, I still had not mastered, despite using the right software.  I'd heard this before, from different people and at different times, but had dismissed it, because it wasn't how I saw it coming into the world.  The immediacy of movies, and the artistic challenge of making it striking/innovative was key from the beginning.  But, my friend had worked in Hollywood, editing screenplays.  I trusted her.  She said I was describing too much, yet, "all the descriptions are wonderful and add a lot to the story.  It's meant to be prose."  She emphasized that readers can do a great job of visualizing, especially with my descriptions.  If you publish this as books, and it's successful, someone else can make it into a movie -- someone with money and who knows how.  
    "Alright...." gulp, "I'll try."  Despite a nagging voice that said, "you're starting over again, after 3 years of work?" I tried.  It's been eye-opening ever since.  There's new freedom to: get deep into character's heads, flesh out even more origin stories, describe that body language, paint that landscape, and tell how the government works.  Screenplay form doesn't permit such things -- except as a narrative voice over, or in a montage.  Worries about space constraints (screenplays are supposed to be between 110-120 pages) have vanished.  So, Convergence will be books, with the plan for them to eventually become animated movies -- with the author's ok, of course!  I'm still drawing -- the visions keep coming.  
     None of this would have been possible without the Shamanic training.  Though I've always had the proclivity to write and draw, I was faced with a life-long derth of confidence and the wounds of many rejections.  I used to get overwhelmed by feelings/visions/desires to create; half the time, I'd do it, but the other half I'd get stymied.  If the drive was extra maddening ("I don't have the time, or it's too confusing"), I used to try to block the urges with distractions, destructive habits, you name it.  I've come down, in some respects, from the dream of my screenplay being accepted by movie big-wigs, based on merit alone.  "They'll ignore my sins against form, after all, it's so great!"  Thank you, my friend, you know who you are, for that lesson in humility  I'm still fired up and enjoying the ride of creating this universe -- my way.    


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How Shamanic Training Birthed a Mad Writer, Part 2

3/17/2013

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x     Before continuing the story, a little background about me.  I've always read widely and always drawn; driven as much by visions/dreams, mythology, as by studying real-life detail.  Throughout my tumultuous high school experience, art classes were my refuge -- so much so, that I took a couple of summer courses in it as well.  In college, I minored in Art, while majoring in English Lit.  I wanted to be a writer who did her own illustrations.
     Once out of college, I was faced with the career obstacles of the early nineties.  As I saw it, there were no jobs for artists -- unless it was graphic or commercial, so I applied for jobs to write or edit.  I had several interviews, but no offers.  I worked at Walden Books for 3 years instead, which lead to my back pain, which lead me to study Yoga.
     A couple years after getting married (towards the end of my Walden Book period), we started trying to have a child, which began a very long and difficult quest.  The longing, visualizing, striving and failing took a toll.  Aside from decorating our new home and teaching Yoga, my creativity was tied up in the attempt for the ultimate creation.  I wrote articles for Sun and Moon Yoga Studio's newsletters, or did an occasional drawing based on dreams or meditations, but my original dream of writing/illustrating was back-burnered.  
     8 years later, and with no "results," we gave up the fertility quest.  Finally I could let go of making demands on my body and searching for (and sometimes creating) symptoms of pregnancy.  This was a big shift, which I celebrated by joining a Belly-Dance class.  Ah-ha, a new passion was born!  
     Then, we went to India and on that trip, decided to adopt.  This lead to another year and a half on that multi-layered process.  After our file was created, waiting to be chosen by a birthmother was excruciating.  I felt the adoption agency's "support," for the waiting parents was lack-luster, though I could see why they devoted more energy on the mothers in crisis.  It felt like; despite our stability as a couple, and our open-mindedness, we were being abandoned again -- this time by a beaurocracy.  I had enough!  At 38, I couldn't do it any more.  After some heart-to-heart discussions, we decided to quit them too.  
     Finally, I could re-claim my life!  I had come to know that nurturing doesn't only refer to parenting -- it's a universal principal of the of the Divine Feminine, and I had it in spades.  Yet, some residual darkness/grief from the quest lingered.  I still hadn't come back to myself.  My mother had moved in with us--creating extra tension, and Drew, my husband was approaching burn-out with his continued long work hours and high stress level in his computer engineering jobs.  We as a couple were reaching a decision/crisis.  I was sure that leaving the area would help.
     Some months later, while in the process of researching where to move, I took the South class near Asheville, NC (please see Part 1 for more details).  Among other things--this acquainted me with the special energy that permeates NC.  After making friends with some people from the Chapel Hill area during the training, and noting the Research Triangle' s copious tech. companies, I started advocating for us to move there.
     A couple of months after my return, while taking notes on Voltron, I felt strongly moved to draw.  So I began: the ships, an android, Captain Hawkins, etc.  I froze the episode where Hazar was rendered the best, and made the above drawing, adding more shadow to improve it.  But, even though I was coming up with far richer backstory for the entire universe, removing Voltron, changing character names and aiming to make the whole thing R-rated, I felt haunted by the specter of getting sued.  How would I -- a nobody, win the permission to continue?  Even worse--why would they give the ok to a fan with no experience?  
     I was a couple of months into this massive project -- that was blossoming before my eyes: keeping me up late, waking me with fresh ideas, and filling my head with Huascar's voice (please see Part 1 for the Huascar -- Hazar connection), I freed myself from Voltron -- except in kernel form.  This was going to be my creation.  Then, I removed Earth from the story too, so I could have even more freedom.  The essence of Earth is there--the issues that we are currently grappling with, are present in new ways......
TO BE CONTINUED.


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How Shamanic Training Birthed a Mad Writer, Part 1

3/13/2013

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I took my first 5-day Shamanic training with the Four Winds in August, 2009.  The direction was South--represented by the Great Serpent--Satchamama.  This was when participants begin to process and shed our wounds/baggage from the past.  It was also the beginning of distancing ourselves from genetic bonds and family curses -- we're more than a culmination of that stuff.  
     Showing up, and participating in this class was a big deal for me, though I felt ready.  It was intense.  At times, it was joy-filled; and at times, scary and challenging.  All along, it felt so right, so intuitive, and just so...healing, I was thrilled.  Old wounds from my fertility quest; relationships with my family and spouse; and how I perceived myself, were some of the weighty issues I dealt with.  I plunged in whole-heartedly, with an earnest desire for change.  By the end, I felt lighter, more certain (we were frequently reminded that this work was the "path of certainty"), and excited to continue the growth that was accelerated during the training.  I wanted not just be be a Shaman, but first to heal the relationships I had with myself, others, the world, and with Spirit.  We call this coming into Iynee, or Right Relationship.
     Some time in October, after doing a few ceremonial fires in my newly-created fire pit in the backyard, and more processing and clarifying where to move (literally, as in move house), I got this compulsion to re-watch Voltron.  This was an 80's manga TV series that I got caught up in as a teenager.  I could stream all 50-plus shows on Netflix.  There are 2 versions of Voltron -- my favorite was "vehicle Voltron," and not the "lion ships," which I thought was sillier.
     By no means was this a spectacular show.  Even as a teen, I got annoyed with it.  Watching it at 39, just made its weaknesses even more evident.  I tend to have a critical mind towards movies, shows, literature, etc.; and my standards are getting higher with each passing year.  That said, I again found myself hooked, despite the show's problems.  It was:  A. political and epic;  B. there's a gradual understanding between two different peoples, who began as enemies;  C. Hazar.  
     So who, or what is Hazar?  A formidable foe of the Voltron Force (who are from Earth), and an officer of the Drule Empire (yes, the name is funny!)  We gradually learn a lot about about him.  We meet his family, get inside his conflicted mind (Empire vrs. Democracy?, loyalty vrs. reality?....).  He becomes conflicted about where his duty lies and begins to advocate against the Empire for the greater good of his people -- who suffer on an abused, dying planet.  He evolves, whereas no other characters do.  Hazar eventually leads a coupe to overthrow the Emperor, forges peace with Earth, and accompanies his people to inhabit a new planet.  Sounds good, right?
     But, due to the unevenness and kiddie appeal of the show (the Japanese version has more blood and people actually die), Hazar is treated poorly by his own makers.  The show keeps emphasizing Voltron (a robot, piloted by 15 team members) as the hero, and repeatedly shows this unwieldily thing forming from all the individual peices (again and again!), to slice big monsters in half with a samurai sword.  The Voltron team members are "adults," but immature and uninteresting.  In fact, on Earth's side, the only characters who are vaguely interesting are Captain Hawkins and Captain and eventual Admiral Newley.  Team Earth is always so darned good and right, and the Drules are bad, at least for most of the time.  The Voltron Force must be the heroes, right?
     To anyone paying attention, Hazar -- a Drule -- is the true hero of the show.  He goes against great obstacles, at great risk to himself and his family, to save his people.  Yet sometimes he's poorly drawn (though he's handsome, as Drule people go) or utterly stiff.  As his attitude begins to change, he gets dissed and sabotaged by other officers, his plans are disobeyed, then, there is a mutiny against him.  Eventually he disobeys orders, allowing the Earth Team to colonize a planet -- which they name after him in a tardy recognition of his "honor," while he's thrown in jail.  Team Earth doesn't give him a thought after that, except to acknowledge that another Drule is giving orders, in another battle.  Hazar's broken out of jail by his sister, when the coup begins in the last 3-4 episodes of the series.  Even when he's with his family -- when he could have been humanized, or family dynamics could have been explored -- everyone is in severe need of new writers and more emotive voice overs -- very stiff and stereotypical.  But, hey, it's a kiddie show, right?  That never was a good excuse for me.
     So, why does he hook me?  It's more than his story being good, in an otherwise boring and frustrating show.  And it's more than the appeal to my rebellious soul--though there is that.  My South training provided the answer.  He's an archetype, and one that has always compelled me -- the Lord of the Underworld.  He's also an unappreciated underdog, and who doesn't root for them?  In the Japanese version, he's killed, just before his people are rescued from their exploding planet.  After being assassinated by nobodies, his body falls into the splitting earth -- I don't think that was a coincidence -- with Hades, the subconcious etc....  But, both versions ditch him for the bloody robot!
     During the South class, we all had 7 archetypes instated in our chakras and there is a Lord of the Underworld (which can be either gender) and lives in the 5th chakra at the base of the throat.  The name is Huascar and along with being an archetype, he was an actual Incan Emperor -- a Shaman who couldn't agree with his brother -- the straight-laced warrior (whose name I've forgotten).  This brother had Huascar assassinated, so he could take the throne.  It is said that Huascar waits in the underworld; a hidden realm beneath the surface, like the subconscious -- and not a Hell, nor about punishment, a la Western Philosophy.  He will rise again with his medicine people, when the world is ready for renewal and healing.  In addition, the 5th Chakra is about communicating/listening, sharing your creativity and your roles with others and speaking your truth/hearing the truth.  I've had issues there for many years.
     It fell into place, Hazar was just a struggling, poorly portrayed rendition of Huascar.  All the archetypes now reside in me: Serpent, Jaguar, Hummingbird, Eagle, Huascar, Qetzaquatyl--a serpent/bird combination who rules the day and our activities/responsibilities--the Lord of the Dawn, Patchakuti--(another actual Incan Emperor) ruler of the highest planes, or the ruler of the future who reigns over our higher selves.  These are our aids, guides and catalysts for change in our Luminous Energy Field.  But, Huascar spoke to me the most, saying "tell my story.  Write a better Voltron."  And so it began.....


TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2
    


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Message in the Chicken Wings

3/8/2013

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     Today I had a particularly challenging lunch.  I thought I'd try the new fusion restaurant -- a combination of pizza and Korean chicken.  Perhaps, I should have listened to the intuition that this is a weird mix of foods.  Instead, in some sort of tired/distracted daze, I ordered the 9 piece chicken dish with the cabbage.
     To my dismay, my food was pretty much chicken wings, in a powerfully sweet and sticky sauce -- and copious amount of it.  Now, I have no high-falutin judgements about foods that other folks eat--well, except for junk or fast food, but that's another story....There is nothing conceptually wrong with chicken wings and I'm aware that they are popular.  What follows is my own unique reactions to what, for me, was less than ideal.
   I've always been adverse to getting messy when I eat.  When I visited India, I had a couple of meals with the consistency of stew without any silver wear, or even bread sop it up.  I thought that was tough.  But this was worse.
   At first, I tried to eat the chicken with a knife and fork--as I am want to do with all meals (I also dislike when Asian restaurants only give you a fork), however this quickly proved too frustrating.  The chicken was too tough, there were too many bones --  After about five minutes of struggling with my plastic utensils, I gave up.  
   Alas, I had to use my hands.  Did I also mention that I had been a vegetarian for 16 years and was unaccustomed to touching meat with my hands?  Egads!  The thick, sticky sauce quickly covered the first half of all my fingers and each time I raised a piece to my mouth, to gingerly bite some meat off, it kept getting on my cheeks, chin and even my nose.  Then there were other problems: bones, lots of them, and in such inconsistent, odd clusters, that I kept wondering what part of the bird is this?  There were other parts--clumps of hard-ish tissue -- I didn't even want to consider what they were.  Am I eating franken-chicken?  This only heightened my anxiety.  I ping-ponged between that and revulsion, oh and did I forget to mention the embarrassment?  It was fascinating to me that this experience triggered a feeling of being an incompetent, uncoordinated toddler and I hated that.
     As I continued to eat, determined to waste nothing (another of my "issues"), my awareness kept stepping back and watching my aversions with a removed sense of amazement.  Wow!  Look, I'm really getting upset.  Are my hands shaking?  Is everyone staring at me?  (I refused to look).  Look at how stubborn I am, but also how it's not making this easier.  Why don't I just stop...no I want to see it through to the end.
   In the end, I mostly finished -- not cleaning the bones completely, but making the attempt with all 9 pieces of chicken.  All along, my revulsion never dissipated, even when I was observing it.  I also had intruding thought that perhaps I was getting more extreme in my freak-out against getting messy -- sliding somewhere toward the OCD realm.  If that were so, it would just be another of my interesting quirks, just as my aversion to standing in long lines, or trying to make myself heard in big, loud groups.  It's fun being me! 
     The entire experience was a 5 napkin dance of the samskaras that once again reminded me what an amusing and intriguing trip it is to be me, but also that I have the power to disengage, even while engaging on the surface.  A good exercise.  However, I don't think I'll be repeating it any time soon.
     



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